Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

Well well well…

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on