Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

Why I divorced her.

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

do horses think humans are hats

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears