[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
You Might Also Like
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!