[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
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*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Oh hi lol
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
