[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
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Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.