Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

The absolute effort that went into this omg

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*