Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Basketball

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

turning my gender off to conserve energy

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.