Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

I think we should hear other voices.

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.

ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

😁

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle