Creative Problem Solving
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[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance