Creative Problem Solving
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4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.