Creative Problem Solving
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As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
The chart results are in…
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]