Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
You Might Also Like
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
when she block me on everything
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”