*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
You Might Also Like
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
That’s fair
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop