*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
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Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
TRAIN’S HERE
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat