Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule