Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
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Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
@ candidates for local office
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
accurate
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here