Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

How can I say no to this ?

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

every college guy’s fridge

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.