Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
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*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim