Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
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Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Breaking news:
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
these two trucks have the same bed length
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying