Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

relationship goals

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

found a horse’s reddit account

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.