Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
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A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
and now we wait
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
this could fix me
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.