Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
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I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!