Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
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My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven