credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
