credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
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