credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
incredible book dedication
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
It’s a gift
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
