“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
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Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else