Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

technique

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants