Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”