Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
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Why am I like this?
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
“Let’s break a leg today guys!”
–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
taking June’s advice to heart
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.