Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
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going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.