Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

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If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.


[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]


my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away


HR: And what would you say is a weakness of yours?

Me: Lindt truffles.


Me: Dr. Pepper.


Me: Redheads….?


HR: Get out.


Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.


[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots


Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.


I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.