Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

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Autocorrect changed Friend to Fiend but sleeping with a Fiend with Benefits is actually a little more exhilarating


*gets fired the first day on the job as an EMT for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator*


Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.


Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.


“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12


Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic.
Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.


I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.


I want to get a medical bracelet that says, “Shy” so I can I just hold it up during social situations.


Man, Lord of the Rings has all kinds of people! White men, white elves, white dwarves, white trees, Gandalf the white, all the kinds!