If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
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No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
HR: And what would you say is a weakness of yours?
Me: Lindt truffles.
Me: Dr. Pepper.
HR: Get out.
Calm down, psychopaths.
Nobody seizes a Tuesday.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*taps mic twice*
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.