@mack44_d

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

You Might Also Like

@kashmir_lover1

Autocorrect changed Friend to Fiend but sleeping with a Fiend with Benefits is actually a little more exhilarating

@hazelmotes1

*gets fired the first day on the job as an EMT for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator*

@KyleBae87

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

@Robert_Beau

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

@BastardProphet

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

@shesok2

Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic.
Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.

@joeljeffrey

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

@dankashane20

I want to get a medical bracelet that says, “Shy” so I can I just hold it up during social situations.

@PureDad

Man, Lord of the Rings has all kinds of people! White men, white elves, white dwarves, white trees, Gandalf the white, all the kinds!