Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
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*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop