Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
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[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
