Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
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Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.