Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
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[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
why no one uses midhusbands
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation