Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

We need it on priority

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic