creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
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If you want my opinion ask my wife
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER