creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
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Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.