Creepy-crawlies
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me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it