CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
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Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
