Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend sent me this.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.