CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
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Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
A great tip. #CakeRex
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”