Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
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The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
im gay on my mothers side
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Meow?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos