Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]