next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
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When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Cop: my dog sniffed out this bag from your car
Me: that’s dope
Cop: Right? Super good boy
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
If I have written a tweet similar to yours, I apologize for your lack of depth and vision.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.