@GrantTanaka

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

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@treydayway

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

@UncleDuke1969

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

@Elizasoul80

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

@Mom_Overboard

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

@broodingYAhero

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

@prufrockluvsong

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

@RobDenBleyker

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.