@GrantTanaka

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

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@wolfpupy

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

@BoomBoomBetty

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

@sonictyrant

Cop: my dog sniffed out this bag from your car

Me: that’s dope

Cop: Right? Super good boy

@RdrJay47

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

@roxyisrad

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

@_NinJar

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

@Stabby_smurf

If I have written a tweet similar to yours, I apologize for your lack of depth and vision.

@isabelzawtun

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

@shesananteater

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

@Scriblit

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.