*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
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I hope they boil the right one.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.