creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
You Might Also Like
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.