Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

Lol.

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.