Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

3yo: dad I’m swimming!

Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!

3yo: I keep drinking the water!

Me: I know don’t drink the water!

3yo: I just drank more of the water!

Me: please stop drinking the water!

3yo: my belly hurts!

Finally

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.