Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

☠️ ☠️

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie