[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
You Might Also Like
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge