Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sell your car

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

Snapes on a plane.

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.