Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
You Might Also Like
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
LMAO.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
