Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
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[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*