Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

$3 #books

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.