CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
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4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
channeling her this year
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Ah..makes sense now
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
just having fun
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!