Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

Goat cheese is for herders.

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota