Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar