Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
