Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!

Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

How wrong was this guy?

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?