Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
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Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.