Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
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I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Why is this me 😫
I will never stop laughing at this
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs