Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
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I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you