Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.