Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
You Might Also Like
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
My diet starts in January
of 2027
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
pizza
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.