Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
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I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
just witnessed a drug deal
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right