8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
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Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it