Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!

Her: really?

Me: nah, you do look tired though.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

bad
worse
worst
worchester

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub