*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
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If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
out-housing market appears to be strong
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow