@pumpkin_horse

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

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@megstalter

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

@TheAlexNevil

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

@SvnSxty

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

@iinkedZombie

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

@david8hughes

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

@Home_Halfway

I don’t understand billionaires who still work. You have a thousand million dollars. If I won $500 in a lottery ticket I’d try to retire

@yaseen_moi

I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.

@Michael1979

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

@3sunzzz

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

@prufrockluvsong

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex