*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
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I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
When news reporters do sports stories
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Boating season is upon us.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*