Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
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Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.