Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
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The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
🙂🐾
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.