Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
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Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized